LCW 2022: Partners
Lactation Celebration Week Day 5: Partners
Partners are an essential link in the warm chain of lactation support.
If you are on this parenting journey as a single parent, think of your closest support system person as your partner. While they may or may not be physically near you, a lot of wonderful support can be given via text, video chat, and phone calls.
WABA understands that support from your partner and the people close to you is necessary. Per WABA, when partners support lactation and are involved in caring for the baby, lactation improves, the parental relationship is better, and their infants develop more quickly.
When parenting techniques and feeding methods align, parents are less stressed and more apt to help each other baby problems arise. And as we know, teamwork makes the dream work.
*Warning. This post you’re about to read is heavy on the analogies. Not sorry. Analogies help me think.
Partners support lactation in a variety of ways. They can:
Learn about the importance of giving human milk, how lactation works, and seek community support or professionals if there are challenges
A prenatal lactation class can teach you about basic lactation management and give you resources to read for the 3am troubles
If you know how to fix small issues (nipple pain), you can prevent them from becoming large issues (nipple damage)
The class will also put you in contact with a human to call when problems are more than what you can handle. If they are not an IBCLC, they can direct you to one.
Feeding a baby is a lot of work even when latching is simple
When latching is simple, it doesn’t take a lot of consideration of why you should keep it…it’s easy and it’s healthy so why not do it?
When lactation difficulties arise, stopping breastfeeding can seem like the only option (especially at 3 am) so it is even more crucial to know the value of human milk and how to address basic nursing issues
Of people who did not meet their lactation duration goal, the majority of issues people gave for stopping latching/pumping are typical issues that can be address with skilled lactation support.
Lactating parents need your words of encouragement and support when times are tough. But in addition to words, they need action.
Often lactating parents hesitate to call for help because they feel like latching should be intuitive. They’re a parent now so shouldn’t they be able to latch a baby? Nope. It’s a learned skill that often requires hands-on help.
As a partner, you may be the one to notice that something is wrong with feeding and can help by simply saying, “I feel like we could really use some help feeding the baby. Let’s call the lactation consultant now.” And then do it. Make the call.
In a (weak) comparison, think of providing human milk to your baby like exercise.
Everyone knows it’s beneficial to our bodies to exercise; or rather, it’s harmful to our bodies to not exercise
But when we exercise, there are times it’s so hard that we want to quit
We have a few options of what to do when things get hard but I’m going to focus on the 2 most straightforward options
1. Stop exercising
If we stop our workout anytime an obstacle arises, we cannot meet our fitness goals
We won’t optimize our body’s health but we’ll also probably “turn out fine” if we don’t continue exercising
Might you continue if someone said, “Hey, I know this is really hard right now but I know someone who can make it easier. They know a lot about knee problems like yours and they run a free class where you can ask them questions. I’ll go with you on Saturday.”
2. Continue exercising but get help
Sometimes we try lots of things but are still not able to meet our goals so we hire a trainer
A trainer can help us with technique on a particular exercise or help us find an activity that’s better for our body type
Alternatively, when difficulties arise, if there is no trainer available or you don’t know that a trainer exists or you can’t afford to pay for a trainer because health insurance doesn’t cover one, you go without skilled help and can’t meet your goals
But this is not your fault!
Everyone told you exercise is great but no one told you how to do it.
You are unable to meet your goals because your doctor said, “You should exercise. It’s good for you.” But gave no other guidance.
The government said, “You should do cardio 3x/week. It’s good for your heart and bones.” But they only show running in the commercial and you have knee pain when you run.
Your friend said, “You should exercise. I do it everyday.” But they have a gym membership that you can’t afford.
No one helped you make a personalized exercise plan that worked for your body, your calendar, your income, or your family.
This is exactly what lactation consultants do: make a personalized lactation plan that works for your body, your routine, your income, and your baby.
Work together as equal partners in the team to set lactation goals and ask family members for support
Feeding goals are an important part of the lactation journey
At a consult, I always ask families what their feeding goals are. It’s important to know the destination on this road trip.
Once you figure out your destination, start filling in the mile markers (going with the road trip analogy) along the way and what the expectations are at each place
Be flexible in your plan but keep the destination in mind
Inform family members of your destination and ask if they can please check in and pass snacks to the driver and navigator
The postpartum period is a serious trip. Parents are born. Brains don’t work properly. There’s a new creature yelling and being cute at the same time. This combination can be a recipe for forgetfulness. The skills you learned in driver’s ed may be wiped from your memory by cuteness and sleeplessness.
You may remember the destination but forget to put the car in Drive.
A family member with experience driving showing you the gear shift (seems so obvious, right?) may be all you need to get back on track
Communicate with the lactating parent regularly and pay attention to when and how they want you to be involved in the lactation journey
Communication is key. If words and demeanor or actions aren’t matching, get genuinely curious. Tell your partner you really do want to help but you’re not sure what to do.
The trouble is, sometimes the lactating parent doesn’t know what they need. Make suggestions and be open to the answer.
For me and my partner, I though it would be helpful for him to change diapers after I fed the baby so I could go back to sleep sooner. But I had to wake him up (not easy) to do it and I still stayed awake while in bed wondering what was going on if the baby made a peep. That method was a no-go for us. It was much faster and less stressful for me to feed, change, and put the baby back to bed.
Take all the unsolicited “you MUST try_____. It was the only thing that worked for us!” tips and find what works for you.
Remember to talk about your baby care routines occasionally to see if they continue to work for both of you
Create a lactation friendly home environment by taking on more domestic tasks and spending extra time with older kids
Latching and/or pumping takes a lot of time; and it’s a lot of time where you can’t do anything else
Create counter or cabinet space for lactation equipment so everything stays in one place
Keep a bowl of soapy water in/near the sink for dirty pump parts
Keeping pump parts separate from regular dishes maintains cleanliness and extends the duration of the equipment
Talk to each other about which tasks need to be done in the short and long term and do some of the tasks you don’t normally do; the lactating parent has a new full time job (lactation) in addition to recovering from growing and birthing an entire human being
Make lists of tasks that visitors can help with
At every prenatal appointment I give parents a laminated card that specifically asks guests to do a task. The parents make a list and guests get to choose the task.
While helping with diaper changes at night wasn’t really helpful, something my partner did that made a huge difference was taking the older kid/kids out every morning while the baby. This solid chunk of am sleep made it possible for me to be present for all of my kids throughout the day. Without that nap, I was a zombie.
This was also great for the kids. They had special play time with Dad in the am and in the afternoon (until the baby was hungry) they had special time with Mom.
Build a relationship with your baby through interacting, carrying, cuddling, and daily routines such as bath time
Bonding with your baby is about connection, not nutrition
The bond that comes from feeding is about warmth, touch, eye contact, skin contact, communicating, and smelling
These are all attributes of bonding that can be accomplish is a variety of ways
Baby’s are very physical creatures. They know they are safe and loved when they are held.
Baby wearing is a fantastic way that partners can bond with the baby
Tasks can still get done around the house
Baby will probably nap
Can be done skin to skin!
Great for muscle and postural development of the baby when done correctly
Can be harmful to development if done incorrectly; get fitted by a baby wearing professional to ensure a good fit for your needs and your body
Infant massage is beneficial for parent and baby; Sejal Fichadia, IBCLC talks about the benefits of massage on the Babies in Common Podcast
Tummy time play engages baby’s senses; get on the floor with your baby—this is the FaceTime they care about :)
One extremely powerful way to bond is through skin to skin contact. While the first day of skin to skin is critical, it can be done for months and years and never loses it’s benefit.
Nils Bergman, MD is an expert on skin to skin contact. His research suggests that the first 1000 minutes of life should be spent in uninterrupted skin to skin contact as it is essential to the baby’s development.
Most of this skin to skin contact is with the birthing parent but in order for the partner’s hormones to surge to the level of the birthing parent, it is essential that 30 minutes of that 1000 min is spent on the partner. Just 30 min to rewire the partner’s brain. Incredible!
I know that link has a ton of ads. Sorry. It’s a nice little summary of one of Dr. Bergman’s (world renowned doctor and researcher on skin to skin) presentations.
Here’s a podcast episode with Dr. Bergman as the guest. At 40:45 he talks about the importance of skin to skin for the partner.
Discuss ways to allocate and manage parental leave and how to access workplace support for optimal lactation
If you live in a country or work for a company where you have paid parental leave, break it up (or don’t) however is best for your family needs.
Before you have your baby, find out where pumping areas are and work out with your employer how to best manage pumping sessions (ie tell them you will be pumping every ___ hrs for ___ min
Times depend on baby’s age when you return to work, milk volume, responsiveness to pump…lots of things
Check rules for milk storage and feeding at daycare. Different types of childcare use different rules.
Work out a pumping plan with your lactation consultant to maximize pumping efficiency while also maintaining supply
Be sure to get fitted for flanges too!
Watch for misleading marketing of formula and related products
The World Health Organization’s International Code of Marketing of Breast-milk Substitutes (AKA “the Code”) prevents the marketing of infant formulas, bottles, and teats, however not many countries have adopted it as low and certainly not the USA.
It’s “a marketing code to ensure formula remains a health product and not a consumer product,” per Kidspot on news.com.au.
“Advertising infant formula as a substitute for breast milk competes unfairly with breastfeeding, which is not subject to advertising, yet which is the safest and lowest cost method of nourishing an infant.
Advertising infant formula as a substitute for breast milk favours uninformed decision-making, bypassing the necessary advice and supervision of the mother’s doctors or health care providers.”
Formula is medicine and should be used only when medically necessary.
Yes, it’s available to buy at the grocery store but just because you can consume it doesn’t mean you need to consume it if there is a healthier, cheaper option.
Let’s compare to Ensure, a high calorie drink for adults with specific nutritional needs, to infant formula.
It would seem ludicrous that Ensure would arrive in the mail because you approach and hit 50 yrs old
But that’s exactly what happens with formula
And not only do they arrive before birth, you also get coupons (and maybe more formula) around the 3 and 6 week mark after birth because babies have growth spurts at those time. They cluster feed around those ages and it is often assumed by parents that the baby isn’t getting enough milk.
Formula companies know exactly when families are most likely to question their milk supply.
When you sign up for the AARP (American Association of Retired People), you don’t get Ensure in the mail. It’s not automatically assumed that because you’re 50 years old that you need Ensure.
Signing up for a baby registry is a classic way for formula companies to get your information and start sending you coupons and formula samples.
During this massive formula shortage, when there is literally no formula on store shelves to buy, companies were still able to send out samples and coupons.
You don’t go to your healthcare provider for a check up at 50 yrs old and they automatically give you a sample of Ensure and say, “Here ya go. Just in case.” And leave you wondering when to use it. If Ensure was needed, you’d likely be sent to a specialist who can help you identify other ways to manage your health issue before buying a very expensive drink.
Many pediatric primary care providers give formula samples to families simply because they had a baby.
Rather than investigating to see if there is a medical reason that a baby needs formula, they just assume it can and should be used
When there is a medical need for formula, very often families are not getting referred to a baby feeding specialist (IBCLC). The only “solution” they’re given is to a can of formula.
If you see formula samples or coupons out at your healthcare providers office, talk to them about how this undermines lactation support and is against the Code.
Share your lactation experience with other parents and friends
Share your experiences and be realistic. Yes. Caring for a baby is hard, no matter the feeding method. But latching becomes easier the longer you do it…just like diaper changes.
Horror stories are what people remember the most; be mindful about scaring the shit out of people who are about to embark on the lifelong cruise ship called parenthood.
Some things to think about you might share…
When your partner and/or baby had lactation/feeding problems, share how you worked together solved them. Next time, what might you do differently?
What did you do or wish you would’ve done before your baby was born that supported lactation?
What did you learn during your first experience with human milk that was super helpful the 2nd time around?
What was your favorite way to bond with your baby that had nothing to do with feeding?
Encourage new families to go to support groups.
Now that you’ve made it this far, comment with a helpful lactation support strategy you would share with your bestie. Or, what story did someone tell you that was super helpful in being a support person?